PopCanon PopQuiz^TM -- feedback from the fans.

Here are some comments and stories that were recently turned in with our questionnaires:

'[Suggestion:] I would like to see a set with all solos, only solos, all the time; and maybe a set with no singing at all, just maybe ALL sign language.  I think the music is way, way too busy, but hey, isn't that just like life?!'

'Thank you for giving the best show I've seen in six years at Barnstormers in Montevallo--NO SHIT! Intellectually stimulating, Audio/Visual great...I'd like to see you go National/International and I've worked with Rod Stewart, Garth Brooks, Janet Jackson etc... also NO SHIT.'

'Please let me play guitar for your band...I'm sure I could contribute to this innovative and awesome band. I'm really good--I SWEAR! I just got accepted to the Alabama School of Fine Arts on guitar--and you need another female in the band. I'm also fluent on other instruments: trumpet & flute & french horn. (Sorry--I don't draw very well.)'

'Bring back violin!!  And you used to do more cool, silly dances -- that ruled!'

'I think you guys are cool...I've been with you since those early days at the O&B, and I have to say that, like fine wine, you've gotten better with age.'

'MY ADVENTURES WITH POPCANON by Dewey P. Whitebone, Esq.
    When we boarded Air PopCanon the stewardess was generous with the pee-nuts.  I got a window seat.  Donny saxed me up and we were ready to go.  When the Kaptain Dave turned on the dancing light, we got down like a clown with a frown.  We hit some turbulence and just missed a PARADIGM SHIP.  The bathroom smelled like tampons & the water was blue but we rocked on.  When Air PopCanon landed, everyone rubbed Ned's belly and got their bags.
    Boy oh Boy, it was like the Hokey Pokey with wings.
    Love, Dewey.'

'The show is all that + a big bag of chile cheese fritos with ranch dip on the side!  You guys should cover some Barry Manilow...just kidding!'

'In order to answer these question I need to know who everybody is--otherwise it's like Mad Libs.'

'The grammar song rocked.'

'More smoothness--more Zappaness...Ying and Yang are needed don't specialize!'

'BASS MAN ROCKS!!!'

'Can Robby breathe fire while he plays the drums? Cool!'

re: Don--'My boy can dance but he's lousy in bed.  Is it true he was in the New Kids On The Block?'

'I've never even heard of you but you kick lots of ass.'

'I really thought this band was great ... i'm not being sarcastic.'

'PopCanon rocks the party that rocks the body!'
 

And you might think that such bold Semantics/PopCanon paraphenalia such as the Semantics Spatula, the Cult of Mary Nightlight or the handscreened PopCanon Tights were fashionforward enough--Au contraire, mon frere!  Here are scores of authentic fan suggestions on OTHER products the band should sell or endorse:

More musicals like when they did Jesus Christ Superstar -- that kicked ass!
Parachutes
Baskets with really cool handles
Tommy LaSorda / Michael Jordan
Commemorative coin set
Dolphin food
Smalltown postcards
Floss
Fire ant killer
Glow-in-the-dark rhinestone jock strap
Hai Karate or Aqua Velva
PopCanon cider
Rubber chickens, Tyson chickens, Kentucky Fried Chicken
Fish sticks, fish nuggets
Frozen dinners
Cereal
Ice cream
Coffee cups
Mugs/beersteins
Beer (4), Guinness
Diet soda
Library cards
The PopCanon bacon substitute
Nike shoes (3), Dave's hi-tops
Apple computers
Rat eyepatch (3), Eric himself
Condoms (6), glow-in-the-dark condoms, condom mints [pun!], condoms that go {pop!}[a very bad suggestion, btb]
Socks, socks with PopCanon embroidered
PC fishnets and handcuffs '(attach pink fluff & a dead rat, please)'
Town Tire
Underwear, Ladies underwear (2)
Haircuts, hair products
Scotch tape
White slaves, hookers, 'the girl with horns'
Gary Coleman
Talking PopCanon dolls
Llamas
The Visionland Tour Video
Blow-up dolls
Water guns
Chocolate covered grasshoppers
PCB's
Cameras
Graffix bongs
Laffy taffy, Cheezy poofs, Jujy Fruits, Mentos, bubble gum
Kazoos
Metronomes
Eddy Mercky Bicycle frames
Devil Girl chocolate bars '(originality is IN)'
Krazy Devil Kiddie Massage Creme ('Look for the krazy devil with the googly eyes!')
Don's balls, the Don's Balls logo
Don's body, Donny's sweet ass
Feminism & people's liberation in general  (Neditor--hey! we endorse this already!)
Spam (2)
Other local bands
Artificial insemination accessories
PopCanon beanie baby
Black bean burgers
Prozac (2), drugs, synthetic heroin
Spray paint
Tampons
'gotta be the Slinky'
Tide detergent
7-headed cockring, electric knob polisher
Pogs (Neditor--hey! we've got these, too!)
Kamel unfiltered cigarettes, cigarette lighters
Chapstick
Nail polish
the drum set, the bass
oboes
'the tremor in my oh-so-white soul'

    And a special PopCanon Surfeit Award goes to 'threshold', the doorperson at Dottie's in Atlanta, who recently turned in all of these suggestions for products we should sell or endorse:
condoms, sparkplugs, world peace, electromagnetic weapons, radial saws, anti-depressant pills, poetic anarchy, eschatology, thanatology, synchronicity, chaos theory, conspiracy theory, electroconvulsive therapy, paper towels, pop-tarts, Silly Putty, candles + incense, RU-486, Norplant, Viagra, hugs, autoerotic asphixiation, information warfare, surveillance devices, a windshield for a '77 BMW 530i, nightlights, green beans, free association, Wittgenstein's philosophy.  That's about all...
oh, yeah--the US ParaOlympic Fencing Team.
[You're right, PopCanon SHOULD sell Silly Putty! But we already DO sell or endorse condoms, poetic anarchy, synchronicity, nightlights, and Wittgenstein's philosophy. And i think i could help you find that 530i windshield -- email me. --Webczar]
    Suggested reading:
Marks, John: The Search for the 'Manchurian Candidate'
Dostoevsky: Crime & Punishment
Dick, Phillip K.: Do androids dream of electric sheep?
Magazine: Fortran Times, 2600 Hackers Quarterly
    Plus, here's a formula that Mr. Threshold gave us for 'degrees of freedom for nonpooled T inferences'--can you solve it? 
 

And here are some standings (as of November 1999) for the InterBand Competition:

Favorite PopCanon Member and Why?
Alyson -- style, spunk, woman/chick (3)/she's a feminist and kicks ass!, chick players rock/girls in bands rule!!!, good form, sings the 'penis envy' song, token chick player like Liz of Pain, we like that penis song of hers, she rocks! (3), she's the bomb, trombone/bone kicks ass/ trombone for crissakes!/trombones are cool frankly/she can really work that trombone/good horn player/knows how to blow, she sings good/voice awesome, great dancing, biggest ham in a good way, red hair, the coolest!, ex-roomie:), pretty cool (2), she's nice & has cool tights!, she's just cool, she's so damn cute/babe factor 10/cutest girl in group, enthusiastic and dances cool, 'because she looks like Leslie Gore', sexy trombone/it's the trombone/i've never seen anyone play the trombone live before!, she plays two instruments, she came over

Don -- his balls, his package, shows his ass/nice butt/very simple: ass, i like his shorts, you gotta ask?, i love him, he'll always be 'Donny!', 'sex boy!', he's an idiot, hairy guy from Planet Ten, he's Don, he's cool like that, vibrant live, (the leprechaun) who can do backbends, has a horn, looks like Prince, he's hot: i'd make him my pet, he's crazy with cool costumes/interesting outfits, because he gets mostly naked, he gave me a lap dance, he looks like my best friend, i like his dancing

Ned -- Ned likes to rock!, he whales/rips like Frank Black, it's Ned, who knows?, coolest name, (guitar man) 'cause he's a geek + still cooler than me, because I said so, need i say more, the leg kicks, we missed Ned/Because he's absent, most charming, Little Neddy [has] guitar flamboyance, because of his sexy phone voice, he's a very cute boy

Michael -- he jams, nice earrings, the unsung bass hero, 'he's the one with the bass', never misses ever!, rocks!!!, 'cause he reminds me of Martha Plimpton, doesn't hate me, very tight, plays fretless, computer savvy, he's cooler than me, he let us sleep on his floor

Dave -- seems to be a cool-average-joe-type-a-guy, he's the front guy, so sexy, why not?, he's cute, stage presence, good eye contact with audience, his voice + playing is neato, he has an awesome voice, he is SO peppy & funny when he sings & plays, he talks a lot and looks like me cousin

Robby -- least in my face, we met him before the show and he's cool, (Ringo) 'cause he's the serious one, 'cause he's a drummer

also:
None -- cause you suck!, i will not make these sort of judgments, without each member there would be no band

Steven -- cause he rocks the brickem!  (Neditor: perhaps we've had Steven fill in for us one too many times...)

Satan -- he makes me tingle

I am -- because I ROCK! (besides, I AM the center of the universe)

Bill -- I don't know, who's Bill? (PC award for best Dadaist response)

Cutest PopCanon member:
Alyson (44)
Don (10)
Dave (9)
Ned / Robby (5)
Michael (1)
Lorien (1)

also:
Eric (2), nobody, the dog, buddha, Ringo, Davy Jones, Markie Mark, the leprechaun, the disco ball, 'toss up--how do you fit so much superior genetic material into one band?', Harvey the Pooka ('I think I'm the only one who sees him'), Dr. Patton, the bass amp

Has the most striking stage presence:
Don (34)
Dave (12)
Ned (10)
Alyson (7)
Michael (6)
Robby (5)

also:
Patton, Don's balls, Geddy Lee, Tom Jones, Adolph Hitler, Jim Fahy, Commander USA

Oozes raw, primal sexuality:
Alyson (20)
Don (15)
Ned / Dave / Robby / Michael (7)

also:
Eric (2), Sledge, Amiri Baraka, The Drum Set, Fred Buhl!!, Hobbes, You all ooze a little in your own special way, Betty & Veronica, Janet Reno

Needs to settle the fuck down!:
Don (23) -- ['duh!']
Michael (11) -- [the Neditor believes these high marks for the stoic onstage presence of Michael represent
                            a victory for irony in questionnaire responses.]
Ned (5)
Robby (4)
Dave (2)
Alyson (0)

also:
Eric (2), The Southern Baptist Coalition, Clinton, Oprah, Ward Cleaver, Bobcat Goldthwait, Suzie, Camille Paglia, migrant workers, my monkey

Is the best musician:
Ned / Alyson (11)
Dave (10)
Robby (8) -- [though someone specifically penciled in NOT by Robby's name, and another drummer remarked:
                             'the drummer usually is']
Michael (6)
Don (5)

also:
Chopin, Tom Petty, Jason of Pain!!!, Eric, Mick Mars of Motley Crue, Milli or Vanilli, Thelonious Monk [Neditor: good for you, BallZac!], Bumblebee the Trans., John Tesh, Puff Daddy

Has the best hair:
Don (28) -- [again, duh!]
Alyson / Michael (8)
Dave (7)
Rob (6) -- [an upset! have you people not SEEN Robby's flowing black hair?]
Ned (5)

also:
Joan Jett, Baby Spice, Lyle Lovett, Flock of Seagulls, Cyndi Lauper, Jesus/Curly Jesus/Elmo (these last 3 are probably Don), Ted Koppel, David Lee Roth, my bush, Boy George

Is a smarty pants:
Ned (15) -- [not an upset]
Dave (13)
Don (11)
Alyson (7)
Michael (5)
Rob (4)

also:
Natalie Merchant, Kofi Annan, Martin Mull, Marilyn Manson, Jerry Springer, The Artist, Grace Under Fire, BallZac, Mr. T., All You Bitches, Jim Fahy, Ben Stein

PopCanon member you would most like to take home to MEET your parents:
Alyson (29)
Don (12)
Ned (11)
Dave (10)
Michael (7)
Rob (4)

also:
None--are you kidding?, Jesus, Eric, Don's balls, I don't eat meat, My God--as if I'm not in enough trouble already!, Lorien, Pancho, Shit No!, all of them--naked!

PopCanon member you would most like to take home to KILL your parents:
Don (23) -- 'Don could go medieval on my parents.'
Alyson (12)
Robby (9) -- 'Because nobody would notice who did it.'
Michael (9) -- 'Silent but deadly'
Ned (7) -- 'no, just kidding, i'm sure he's a very nice person.'
Dave (6)
and 'Donny to do it--Ned to describe it while it's happening.'

also:
All (4), Eric (2), Don's balls/Don's ass, you all know who, Lord Satan, Blue, Lefty, 'there have already been several attempts.  I think they're on to me', 'It would probably take two or three', Ed Gein [Neditor--Robby is Ed's replacement]